


One Eventful Night in Biscuit Town

by klaviergavout



Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: Gen, slight rav/cosmo but it's not the focus of the fic, this is such a silly crackfic and i blame the walter robotics soldiers chat entirely for this, yeah this is just absolute crack im sorry. i tried to make it a good piece of writing though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 18:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6716974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klaviergavout/pseuds/klaviergavout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could eat thirty moons and still eat thirty-five more. But could he eat sixty-five moon pies?</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Eventful Night in Biscuit Town

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is based off a conversation I had with members of the Steam Powered Giraffe skype group I'm in. 
> 
> (If you're reading this and you know it's you I'm talking about, hey guys!)
> 
> We wondered what would happen if Commander Cosmo didn't eat sixty-five moons, but sixty-five moon pies. Whilst drunk. And being dared to by The Jon.
> 
> I hadn't written anything in days at that point and it was just too tempting not to write it.

"Rav, where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Rav was frowning in concentration, pressing buttons and pulling levers and doing just about everything that would usually lead Cosmo to believe he was undertaking some top-secret mission- but it was Rav's self-proclaimed 'day off', and the commander was none the wiser to where they were going.

"Oh, come _on_ ," he teased, nudging Rav's shoulder lightly with his own. "It couldn't hurt to give me a clue."

"We’re going to visit an old friend of mine," said Rav, his mouth curving into a smirk. "He's a robot."

"A robot?" Cosmo put his hand to his chin in mock confusion, smiling smugly. "It's not, perhaps, the _Walter Manor_ we're going to, is it?"

"No."

"Oh. OK." He was taken aback at Rav's sudden answer, and it took him much longer to think of an new answer. "Kazooland?"

"Getting warmer."

Cosmo thought a bit more. "The Eighth Dimension?"

Rav stared at Cosmo long and hard. "I had to break you out last time, remember, and the first thing you did was punch its gatekeeper straight in the jaw. You're, uh, less than welcome there."

"That's true."

Almost as soon as he had said that the S.S Alexander shuddered to a slow halt, finally grounded, and Cosmo moved his gaze from his boyfriend to the front window panel. Just outside was a house with no windows except for a couple portholes in the deep blue roof, painted a sickening lime green, surrounded by dry grass and the odd tree stump. The walls were slightly reverberating with loud music coming from the inside.

The house was huge, looming over the S.S Alexander with an almost intimidating shadow, and when Cosmo stepped out through the spaceship door and glimpsed the thing in all its glory he knew he'd never seen anything like it.

"Welcome to Biscuit Town," said Rav, putting his hand on Cosmo's shoulder, smiling as he looked off into the distance.

"Rav, this is only one house."

Rav shook his head. “No, silly, look over _there._ ”

And Cosmo looked past the house to where Rav was pointing, and was even more surprised to see what looked like a normal, rustic village. It had a church and a train station and a few old shops, and whilst it looked homely and welcoming enough, the giant green house just opposite stood in stark contrast to the smaller homes.

"So, let me get this straight. We're still in Biscuit Town? This house is a part of it?"

"Yes."

"And your friend- a robot, no less- lives here?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

" _Yes,_ " Rav repeated. "He's the mayor."

"The _mayor?_ "

Rav looked back at him with a sort of annoyed _‘yes of course he’s the mayor, I just said that’_ kind of look, but quickly began to laugh at Cosmo's flabbergasted expression, taking him by the hand and leading him to the house’s front door.

Rav knocked five times, in a sort of tune. It reminded Cosmo of a song a band of robots used to sing, long ago. But he hadn’t seen them in years. He didn’t even know if they would remember him at this point, or if they would even care.

The door swung open, hitting the wall with a bang, and there stood The Jon.

Before the duo even had time to speak, he pulled them inside, grinning happily, and shut the door behind them.

* * *

"And that's how we saved Planet Earth f-from the unicorns!" The Jon was doubled over on the couch, laughing hysterically, tears of oil dripping down his face. Cosmo didn't quite understand how a robot could get drunk, but he also couldn't care less; after his seventh solo cup of whatever-the-hell-this-is, his mind had started to become rather blurred. Instead, he began giggling alongside his newest best friend, and Rav joined in a good few seconds late, slapping his knee as he roared with hoarse laughter.

The music was indescribably loud inside the house, and all the separate melodies had fused into a mish-mash straight from hell. Swing, jazz, house, pop, country and several other unidentifiable genres resonated through the living room, and somehow people were finding pleasure in dancing along to the hellish mix, a fair few party-goers showing off their dancing prowess. It was hot and humid and dark and sweaty, and all three of them- robot, humanoid, space being- couldn't focus on much else but their drink and their friends.

"Y'-yknow what, _space boy?_ " said The Jon, staring intently at the crowded pool table at the other side of the room. "I betcha, that e-even with all your powers, that you can't eat... that you can't eat all the moonpies I got in the kitchen. I betcha that you don't even got the magic powers enough to eat _five._ "

Rav giggled at The Jon's indignant remark and leaned in closer. Cosmo could smell the alcohol on his breath, strong and bitter. "D-Don't let him win, Commander. I bet you could eat loads, you could."

Cosmo's mouth was drawn in a tight frown, and he turned to look at The Jon. "Gimme the pies."

The Jon beamed, stood up, and immediately fell over onto the floor with a clunk. He picked himself up, brushed himself off, and made his slow way towards the door and out of sight.

He returned five minutes later with arms full of boxes and a messy triumphant grin.

* * *

Several gruelling hours later, a drunk Commander Cosmo had eaten his way through 65 Double-Decker Moon Pies, with no regrets, slight flecks of vomit on his trousers. It took him a good few minutes for him to realise that The Jon was tapping on his shoulder to get his attention, an impressed look on his face- but even though he had recognised The Jon, his vision was blurry and his eyes were tired and everything was slow.

And that was when he passed out.

* * *

Commander Cosmo woke up seven hours later on the S.S Alexander, lying fully clothed in his bed, dazed and confused. A splitting headache suddenly hit him and he groaned with loud pain, wondering just where he was and what the hell he was doing here.

Rav awoke with a start from next to him, looking around, almost afraid. When he saw Cosmo his expression softened, and he laughed. “Some party that was last night, huh?”

Cosmo laughed. “I hardly remember it. But I bet it was good.”

That was when he heard The Jon's voice over the intercom, and he knew he was royally fucked.


End file.
